In 6 more sleeps, Lochlan will be one year old. There is so much I didn’t do but rather than obsess about what I *didn’t* do..…I am happy to report he is alive and kicking, and well - I kept a baby alive for 9 months and on top of that - another 12 - go me!!!
Motherhood has been interesting. Yeah, it changes you. For the better? Fer sureeee. I have learnt tolerance and patience on a level I didn’t even know existed (in regards to him) Everyone else? Not so much. Nothing really matters now. Of course I care about the bigger picture: family, friends, relationships, the threat of Ebola….the list goes on. But mostly.…I don’t sweat the small stuff. I still care what people think (it would be a lie to say otherwise) but it certainly isn’t on the same level as before. My circle is safe and small and I am happy with that.
What didn’t I do? I didn’t have any professional photos taken. I didn’t continue with this blog, documenting every little detail. I didn’t join every baby group going. I didn’t lose the baby weight. I didn’t send out thank you cards and I didn’t start a memory box. I just raised a baby. I stumbled along, getting through each and every single day. I bought a book on baby led weaning, my sister in law sent me a book on sleep training - both are untouched. I didn’t anticipate being so un-orderly. I was the archetypal fmt whilst pregnant. I googled, I researched, I had SPREADSHEETS.
THEY WERE POINTLESS.
I woke up the Wife in the middle if the night during the third trimester fretting we didn’t own enough hats, vests, cardigans, frozen meals…..
I do realise it’s a rite of passage, as a ftm, to go through all of this…I look back at my pregnant self and have a little snigger. It is NOT as scary as people make out. You will cope with the sleepless nights. You will forgive yourself for not breastfeeding past a certain point. And those days of instragramming your hospital bag are long gone. You are now shuffling around in the dark trying to find a crinkled dry babygro, anything, anything that resembles some kind of ensemble that will keep him dry, warm, quiet.
So: there are no professional photos, no plans to send out holiday cards with him on the front. I have no time for that, and no remorse about it either. I am a SAHM who is constantly learning, growing. I am lucky to have friends who are a few months ahead of me and their advice has been invaluable. I continue to make mistakes. Like my relationship, my journey of motherhood will continue to be a work in progress. He is happy. I am happy. Exhausted, carrying a few extra lbs but this is the best thing I have ever done.