Waiting.

Isn't that what ttc is all about? Waiting for test results, waiting for the go ahead from the clinic, waiting to sniff, jab, 2ww, first scan.... waiting to feel like myself again. The waiting to feel like myself again has been a long and arduous process. It has taken a fair few bottles of Malbec, a lot of comfort eating and a bucket load of tears. However I am struggling to assign my grief: the mc or the loss of my Dad in July? Either way it has been messy. I have avoided friends. And leading up to Christmas I pretty much had some kind of breakdown where I cried and cried and I cried. I would wake up crying. The Wife forgot to put the correct dressing on a salad - I cried. I cried out of frustration, I cried out of sadness and I cried because I felt utterly, utterly adrift. I have been 'waiting' to float back in and feel like myself. And yesterday - I finally did.

And so more waiting: final test results back from the clinic which I had taken a week before Christmas. AMH has gone down from 38 to 28 but not the end of the world. The consultant we saw just after the mc will be amending my medication for IVF #2 - I DR last time with Synarel and will continue to do so. However instead of Menopur for stimming I'm trying Fostimon which is apparently better for older women (!!!) and with women with PCOS. Whilst I don't actually have PCOS I *am* polycystic in appearance. Whatever that means!

So for now...I'm continuing with my vitamins and will be back on the no caffeine/no wine thing in Jan in preparation for (fingers crossed) starting to DR sometime in February.

2013 HAS to be our year. 2012 didn't quite break me, but almost.

NFC xoxo